Paralyzed

About 6 months after we decided to get divorced, I was not doing well. At all. We had made the decision to no longer be married, however there had been no movement beyond that. I’m pretty sure I was emotionally paralyzed – unable to make any forward progress. During this time, I went in for a regular checkup with my doctor and when asked how I was doing, I fell apart. Thankfully, she didn’t have any patients scheduled after me and for the next hour, she gave me her undivided attention. She then decided it was best that I start taking an anti-anxiety medication.

Up to that point, I had never been on meds of any sort. I had always tried to approach healthcare in a more natural way but I was at the end of my rope. I filled the prescription and although it took a little time for the meds to kick in, I started to feel my nervous system start to regulate once again. Before the meds, I had been going through the motions of life. Wake up, log in to work, feed kids, walk dogs, get kid to school, etc… if it weren’t for my children and pets, I’m pretty sure I would have stayed in bed most days. I was depressed, scared and most of all, anxious about a life I had never planned for. IF I left my house and put on makeup, my hands would shake so terribly that I could hardly apply mascara without risking a serious eye injury. When I was in public, I would constantly look around to make sure I didn’t see anyone I knew. I used to compare my insides to a chihuahua in the middle of a snowstorm – shaky, nervous and scared of my own shadow. I had been barely functioning.

To be completely honest, I had to up my dose a couple of times. The first dose took the edge off however I still wasn’t functioning at my best and I was at a point when I had to figure out where I was going to live and what life was going to look like going forward. Once we determined the correct dose for me at that time, I was able to think more clearly and plan my next steps.

I feel like mental health (therapy and meds) can be a taboo topic however for me, they were my saving grace while trying to get through the most challenging time in my life and I want to highlight that on my journey, I needed help. I was able to finally start to process what was happening, which helped me to start accepting my new reality. And in accepting my new reality, I could start to think about the future without having an emotional meltdown at every single thought or conversation.

3 1/2 years later, I still try to approach healthcare naturally and am no longer on meds, however I am so grateful for the relief they provided when I was stuck and unable to function on my own. I have moved – a few times. I have driven between California and Arizona, dozens of times. I’ve learned that I’m strong and resilient and can stand on my own two feet, however it’s ok to not be superhuman. At that time in my life, accepting help was the biggest form of self-care and self-love.

XOXO ~ Steph