Journey to self love

Self Love – Above everything else, genuinely love yourself first. Self-love is powerful and it’s the best love that you will ever have. When you love who YOU are, your relationships will be healthier and your life will be happier. Self-love sets the standard in how we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves. Your happiness and well-being is important. Protect it by always valuing who you are! ~Anonymous

Hi friends! It’s been awhile since I’ve shared. My goal with this blog is to share value and I just haven’t had a vision of what I should express, until now.

I’ve always been content with who I am as a person. I’ve considered myself to be kind and I’ve always tried to be a good person in general. I am a constant work in progress, but I pretty much thought my self-esteem was in check. UNTIL my identity was no longer what it had been for more than half my life. To say I felt insecure and honestly, a little bit worthless would be an understatement. Cue the desire to learn from what I was experiencing and move forward.

I feel like there are few factors to becoming who we are

In my opinion, the first factor is familial. We’re born into a family. That family has characteristics that have probably been passed down for generations. I will say, I have been blessed to have a family filled with so much love. When I hear people talk about feuds and whatnot, I cannot even imagine what that might be like. We’re not perfect, but we do love each other to the core and enjoy spending as much time together as possible with family members living in different states. That being said, there is also a LOT of anxiety that courses through my family line. Anxiety is something that is a new concept to my family, however as I look back on my life it was extremely prevalent. I feel like the familial (generational) phase is more or less through osmosis. Nobody in my family ever said to be afraid or anxious, it was a subtle undertone that probably stemmed from love. When we love someone, we want them to be and feel ok, always.

For me, I would say the next factor is experiences. What we go through, choices we make, choices that are made for us or that affect us. For example, my parents’ divorce when I was 10 years old, my decision to try out for cheerleading in middle school and high school, my decision to not go to college, etc… Every decision we make has consequences and it’s very interesting for me to look back while I’m at mid-life and see how my experiences have shaped me.

In my opinion, the last factor is people. The people I choose to surround myself with. As I said, I’ve been blessed with family and in other posts I’ve mentioned that I have an amazing collection of ride or die friends (my army of angels). The thoughts, opinions, experiences of the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with have shaped me as significantly as the family I was born into.

DOING THE WORK

All that being said, with my marriage failing, I had to take a good long look at myself because as much as I wanted to pass the buck, marriage requires two people to make it work and divorce also requires both parties. For me, in order to move on and accept my new reality, I had to do some serious soul searching. I had to figure out my role in the breakdown of my marriage. Since moving to California, I had become co-dependent and apathetic. Just moving from one task to the next, checking the boxes. I hadn’t prioritized date night and intimacy. I was simply going through the motions, not prioritizing my marriage. That was a bitter pill to swallow to say the least.

My next step was to learn the “skill” of being by myself. I say skill because this was honestly the scariest, most uncomfortable state of being for me. I had always had someone by my side whether it was my mom, my boyfriend, my roommate, or my sister and niece. I lived alone for just a little bit before I met my ex and when I first started dating him, we were inseparable. Then we got married extremely fast and started having a family quickly as well. 21 years later and I was looking back and realizing that there had been very little time that I had been alone. I had to learn to rely on myself, so I started taking baby steps. I ate at a restaurant alone for the first time in my life. During this meal, I stared at social media the whole time, feeling so nervous that by the time I got to my car, I cried my eyes out, but I had done it. Then, friends and I had planned a hike, but neither could make it at the last minute, so I hiked alone for the first time ever… I went up the hill and back down. I didn’t cry this time and felt sooo happy and just a little bit more confident.

The reason I mentioned the “factors” at the beginning of this entry is because the next step was to reflect on my life and the many different versions of myself who had existed. As I said, my core was fairly constant – kind, thoughtful, good person in general. As I looked back though, I saw the shy, vulnerable, little girl who would cry silently because she couldn’t keep her feelings in but didn’t want to be seen. I saw the terrified of her own shadow adolescent who would rather fade into the woodwork than be noticed. That girl didn’t feel like she had anything of value to say and just wanted to ghost through the school hallways. Then there was the young adult. She was a little bit more confident and self-assured, but the shyness was still underlying. That young adult turned into the wife and mama and the familial cycle began. My entire focus was my family – my husband and children. Lifting them up and continuing the cycle of fading into the woodwork.

Taking this time and seeing for the first time in my life, all the versions of me, I can honestly say that I do love myself. Unconditionally. I want to hug the little girl, I want to speak words of encouragement to the adolescent, and I want to empower the young adult. After peeling back all the layers to reveal the unedited version of me, I genuinely love who I am. I realize it’s ok to speak my mind and share the raw thoughts and feelings that make me who I am. There is a kind of peace that comes with the confidence of not being afraid. I hope you all have the same kind of peace!

XOXO~Steph