Army of Angels

Self-care is a bit of a subjective topic. To me, self-care can mean reading a book, meditating, journaling, taking a bath… any number of things that I enjoy doing by myself. However, I have decided that self care can also mean spending time with beautiful souls who love and care for me.

I didn’t confide in anyone for almost the first two years of my struggling marriage. I had dated a man a long time ago who had been married. He told me that when he and his wife separated, he told his family about their issues. Then, when he and his wife were trying to work it out, his family couldn’t get over it. They made her miserable and divorce was the ultimate result. I don’t know why, but that stuck with me, all these years later and I ended up keeping everything to myself while we tried to work things out.

A few months before we decided to separate, I finally confided in a few family members and very few of my closest friends. Honestly, when I finally spoke up, it was extremely bittersweet. First of all, nobody (family or our closest friends a like) could believe it because we were “the perfect couple” which helped me feel a little less crazy. But second, it became real. No more sweeping it under the rug and pretending it wasn’t happening.

“I could not have made it this far had there not been angels along the way” ~ Della Reese

It was during this time that I had to become hermit-like as a matter of survival. The thought of running into someone we knew in the town we lived in at the time was utterly devastating. And having to say the words “separation” or “divorce” would send me into a tailspin. However, the few people who did know would call and check on me and stay on the phone with me for hours on end. Listening to me cry, rant and struggle for air sometimes (on the really bad days). When I would visit Arizona, I would go on walks with a friend, visit their houses. In California, I would hike or hang out at friend’s homes. Public was a minefield because I didn’t know what trigger might pop up and send me into an emotional crisis. My friends and family were my lifeline.

Remembering that time is interesting for me. Thinking back, I probably could have filled a lake with the amount of tears I shed but now that there has been time and distance from the emotion of it, I think of the blessing of the people who surrounded me and loved me through it.

As I look back, I still haven’t decided if I would make the same decision of keeping everything to myself for so long. The premise of it still works, protect the marriage no matter what. However, the conversations I had when I finally spoke up, provided so much insight and perspective. I realized I wasn’t the only one with marital problems. Marriage is hard and it’s something every happily married couple has to choose and work on every single day. It helped to know I wasn’t alone and hear how other couples worked through their issues.

While I take this time to reflect back on “those days” I feel like I have to stress the importance of my friends and family who carried me up my mountain on the days when I didn’t feel like I could take another step, whether it was a text, phone call or literally holding me. This is why I now refer to them as my army of angels. They helped me fight my way back to me when I was the most lost I had ever been. My sincere hope is to be able to be somebody’s angel when they feel like they can’t take their next step.

XOXO ~ Steph