Who am I?

Have you ever fallen asleep at a weird time of day and woken up completely frazzled, wondering where you were or if you missed an alarm? That’s the best way to describe how I felt when we decided to get divorced. Startled, confused and completely lost.

As I mentioned before, I got married when I was 23. As young as I was, I knew I was in love and he was the man I wanted to spend my life with. The majority of the people around me at the time were skeptical. Partly because of my age and partly because we got engaged 4 months after we met. The skepticism soon disappeared when people would spend time with us because they could see how well we got along and that we genuinely liked each other as well as loved each other.

As much as I knew he was the man meant for me, I look back now and realize that I wasn’t as solid in who I was. Therefore, I became Stephen&Stephanie. No space, no air. Just one word. I was this person longer than I had been Stephanie Leigh Romero. Sure, sometimes I was Savanna’s mom or Skyler’s mom or Sammy’s mom, but for the most part there was no me without him.

I use the term lost but that feels like such a big understatement. It’s simply the closest description to my feelings at that time. Lost typically refers to a state of being, however I’ve decided in the last 4 years that it is also a very real emotion. Now don’t get me wrong. We were not joined at the hip. I spent time with friends as did he. We took trips separately but, after those trips, I would come home to Stephen&Stephanie. When we moved to California, almost 8 years ago, I didn’t know anybody. In fact, when I registered Skyler for school, the lady in the office insisted I list an emergency contact and I had to argue that my ex or I were the only people to contact because there was literally nobody else. For the most part, my social network consisted of my ex’s work engagements or spending time with one of his friends from high school (and his girlfriend) who also happened to live in the area. Needless to say, my world there was very small. Kind of like a tiny island in the middle of a very big desert. Then once we chose to get divorced, I felt like I was on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. ~ Marcus Aurelius.

Well, I can say now how thankful I am to at least have had a raft – which consists of my family and friends. Eventually, about halfway through my time there, I made a few dear friends, who I adore. I’m working on remembering who I was and discovering who I want to be. I would never say divorce is the best thing that’s happened to me – it was excruciating. What I will say, is that I was forced out of my comfort zone and I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “all growth takes place outside your comfort zone”. I’m a work in progress and I hope that will always be the case. Constantly growing, learning and moving forward. No matter where my journey takes me, I don’t ever want to be too comfortable again.

XOXO ~ Steph