“Your feelings are valid”

Two years after we started struggling in our marriage is when we decided to get off the hamster wheel and try a 3-month trial separation. We had been having the same arguments over and over with no forward movement – basically the definition of insanity. The hope being that some time and distance might provide perspective. We took a drive and created a script for what we would say to our children. Savanna and Skyler were adults and Sammy was in high school. We also decided to “bird nest”, which is when the parents take turns leaving the home so the children wouldn’t have to be disrupted. Looking back, this was a matter-of-fact decision, not overly emotional. Something that had to happen because we were not making progress doing what we had already been doing.

Next steps

We made the decision on a Wednesday, took the drive on a Thursday and told the kids on Saturday morning. Then I packed for the week and left on Sunday at noon. Sunday at noon is when the changing of guards would take place. Of course, telling the kids was brutal and packing was not fun, but these were just the steps that had to be taken to move forward. So that’s what I did.

Sunday at noon is when the reality of the situation hit me. I think saying it was like a ton of bricks would be too light. Stephen put my suitcase in the car, I hugged my children, said goodbye to my dogs, hugged Stephen and cried nonstop for the next 4 hours while I drove to Arizona to spend the week. I remember, during the drive, talking to my cousin on the phone to tell her about the separation because she had asked to come visit. Her response was something to the effect of, “well I know how much love there is so it will be ok”.

I had never pictured a life separated from any member of my family, however there we were. I honestly don’t remember one thing about the first week away other than driving back to California to be home by noon on Sunday and once again listening to every sad song and crying nonstop for another 4 hours until I arrived home.

This could not be my life. I felt like I was going crazy so as soon as I got back to California, I found a counselor online. I made the call and scheduled my appointment for that Friday, before the changing of the guards on Sunday when I would have to leave again. Friends, this was probably my first and most important step in self-care and it was invaluable. I had never been to therapy before and didn’t know what to expect. The first appointment, I walked into the office and my counselor asked how I was and my reasons for being there. Before I had a chance to sit down, I broke down crying (which happened in every single appointment) and told him the best I could, and he said the most important words I had heard since we started having marital issues, “your feelings are valid”. I had been trying to make sense of the situation for so long on my own that I had lost all clarity. I had several appointments, and all were valuable but the first is the one I will always remember.

A little peace of mind

I look back now and realize this simple phrase allowed me to own my feelings, which meant I could start processing them. A tiny, little bit of the weight was lifted so I could take a breath and whenever I felt like I was going crazy, I could say to my myself, “your feelings are valid” and maybe feel a tiny bit better.