Outgrowing Complacency
The last month and a half has been an interesting time for me. Between the holidays and losing Leo DURING the holidays, I felt like I was either running with my pants on fire or going inward for deep reflection. Leo was only with us for a little over 6 years and while I was reminiscing over that time period, I realized most of it was spent as my marriage was crumbling to pieces. I’ve always been good at compartmentalizing and so I had gotten to a place recently of acceptance and gratitude with where I’m at in life. However, looking over photos from when we first brought Leo home until now, a gigantic spotlight shone on the huge changes that have taken place.
During my deep reflection, I stumbled on a podcast episode from The School of Greatness. The host is Lewis Howes and in this particular episode he was interviewing Esther Perel, a relationship therapist. Part of their discussion was about complacency in marriage and it resonated with me deeply. Esther mentioned how a lot of people put great amounts of effort into work, children, friendships, etc, but when it comes to marriage, people simply become too comfortable.
complacency {kuhm-pley-suhn-see} noun: a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like
At the beginning of my separation, I used to question why, what happened, how am I going to move forward… I realize now that part of the how, what, why of my marital collapse was because my ex and I fell into a complacent pattern of not prioritizing each other. We had started living parallel lives and after years of struggling, we saw a marriage counselor for about a month. She had great suggestions and ideas, but the train had already jumped the tracks in such a destructive way, there was no course correction for us.
The way the world is now, life has become so busy checking the boxes that seem important, but when I look back, I realize what should have been most important was my marriage and making time for my partner (set date nights for example). I’ve seen other interviews where Esther has also spoken about the importance of scheduling intimacy along with date nights. When she talks of intimacy, she isn’t just referring to sex, she’s referring to connection. Not just going through the motions of making the reservation and leaving the house, but truly making eye contact, listening with the intention to hear, discussing dreams and fears, not just workday humdrum with phones out and half paying attention.
Over the last year, I have spent a great deal of time working to be the best version of me possible and have become religious about self care. I schedule a date with myself one night a week (nonnegotiable) to feed my soul. This usually involves a detox bath, face mask and whatever else I feel like doing (reading a book, meditating, journaling, polishing nails), anything that makes me feel amazing. I’ve learned that learning to prioritize and love myself unconditionally is the first step in being able to prioritize and love my partner unconditionally.
In my next serious relationship, my goal is to be as religious about taking care of my partner and our relationship as I am about taking care of me. I am realistic about time constraints and busy schedules, however I think back to a time in life when I had small children and we were extremely chaotic. Being completely honest with myself, I remember many wasted moments of watching mindless tv for example that could have been spent having a conversation. I can honestly say, there were a LOT of missed opportunities to make each other feel seen and heard. Relationships, like anything in life, require work however the rewards are so worth the effort.
Wishing much love and peace to you all!
XOXO ~ Steph